Something different

I find myself pondering what exactly it is I am intending to ‘heal’ on this ‘journey’. Am I trying to make my personality structure more coherent, joyful and healthy? (Yes please! Indeed that seems like a very worthy intention!) Or am I releasing my identification structure to dive headlong into the unknowable stream of life and let it wash through ‘me’, to live me and breathe me? To be something other than my habitual patterns – something other than both the patterns of health and ‘un-health’? We talk of ‘self-development’ and ‘self-exploration’, but is this really what we want? I feel it is fairly inevitable that even our intention to expand our known boundaries, to let go of limitation, and to be ‘free’, will be experienced through pre-existing pathways related to who we already know ourselves to be. We can only ‘free’ ourselves from something we already feel identified with / limited by. Even the wise sages tell us that we can only speak in terms of what we are not. I am not the pain in my back, the voice in my head, the words on this page, the daughter, the lover, the therapist. So rather than concerning myself with any of this, I find myself pondering – so what else? Can I step sideways out of my conditioning and be something completely different? Something completely spontaneous, novel and un-conceived? Now that feels exciting 🙂

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